Hello, Cyberspace

I'm bloggin.

Didn't think I'd be out here. Didn't think it. And here I am.

Just in from the cold, nightly ritual. Tuck the girls in, wait for them to come out. Tuck the girls in again, wait for them to come out. Threaten to turn off the lights if the door opens again. Tuck the girls in again ... pull blankets to chins, kiss cheeks, linger at the door lovin on the look of sleepy peace, turn out the light and punch the clock. Off duty. Check pockets three times for apartment keys - feel the keys, see the keys, hold the keys as I walk out onto porch. Do not, do not, DO NOT lock self out with children sleeping inside. Smoke half a camel light until I dislike the cold more than I like cigarettes. Blow warm breath into brittle fingers. Settle into the computer.*

*computer settleing replaces the previously favored: pour deep glass of red, refill generously.

Free-range Josie changes everything in a space where everything has changed. Making a major transition anyway, might as well move the little one from the crib to a big bed becuase why keep anything easier than it could be? Josie is my quiet child. The one who naps and builds and sometimes stops moving. And Josie has found her first love, free will. My babies found their voices quickly and joyfully raised them in dissent.

The baby, 23 months, says: "Let's go see Mama, Amma. Come on. Lets go out and get her in the living room."

Big sister laughs and knocks the door into the wall.

In my dream they are 20-something, themselvles carried upright into adulthood by uncomprimising spirits, unconcerned with appearances. Fearless Free Spirits. Powerful women. Wide awake I want to firebomb all that independence and bury the ashes in ice. If only I could pause a few of my favorite qualities for the next couple decades and restore them while we're unpacking dorm rooms. It's all there, raw and unformed. Unapologetic. My job deliver thier spirits whole as they grow. Oy.

Got to have the council of women and last weekend circled round .... Thank you, Jennifer Lauck. Thank you, Carrie. Thank you, Jess. Thank you, Jerri. Thank you, Oshanna. Thank you, Theresa. Thank you, Andrea. Thank you, Prema. Learned life. Learned me. Learned words. And realize, finally, learning myself is learning writing. Turns out it wasn't writing I been affraid of so long, it was me. Go figure.

So I'm here with my thoughts. Mind in my body. Fingers on the keys. Small piece of Quorn chicken stuck the roof of my mouthing making me insane.

Twenty three minutes into Thursday.